Life, As I Now Know It

This class, like all my English classes, has inevitably made me think.

And for that matter, changed my thinking.

For some reason, it seems that I keep reading or hearing in my classes that in order to be a good writer, one has to keep their eyes and ears wide open and keep themselves open. I think that, without really thinking about it, I have done this.

I mean, in the past I've tried to keep my mind open to things, to observe the beauty in life, but it seems like it's coming more naturally now. I used to be jealous of the kids in "Bridge to Terabithia" who could imagine so well that the creatures that only existed in their minds came to life. It occurred to me that I would never be able to have such an imagination, as I could not see past what was right in front of me.

That's changed, apparently. And it's been such an amazing change that it has resolved my previously biggest issue. I stopped being numb, stopped being trapped, and became open anew.

I don't want to be stupid and vapid. I don't want to be a certain way or act in a certain manner just because it will please someone or make them potentially like me more. I don't want to catch myself agreeing with something I don't really agree with, without even thinking about it.

I don't want to love something or someone that is bad for me, that is killing me because I can’t help but think that there still could be a future there.

And I don't anymore. It's so weird, this different frame of mind. Before I just wanted to do certain things that would allow me to grow closer to my issue, strengthen it and make it burn me even more. Now I want to task risks, enjoy life, push the limits of life. I don't care to consult my issue for making my own decisions, and my decisions aren't influenced by whether it would bring me even closer to my issue.

It's so strange that I can look at my issue now and think about how much easier life is without it, how much better life is and how much more open I am. I went from being cautious and close-minded, regretful and overly-analytical, unable to get away from the question of "what if?" and constant "someday..."'s, and now I see that "someday" will happen if it happens, but I'm not waiting around until then. I'm going to seek life out and see how far I can push it.

It’s also unusual, this newfound appreciation of life, and also the unquenchable need to push it to its limits. I'm so unafraid to die, or get hurt that it's strange. Yet I love my life and everything that constitutes it. Weird.

Maybe because before this issue, I wasn't really living for anything, just living. Then my issue became my life--I was living for it, to interact with it, to see it grow. And now that I've finally let it go, maybe I don't want to go back to just living. I want to go beyond living, and find something else that's worth living for, or die trying.

Maybe that’s it.

~Dale B.