Wish Me Well

Today something's going to happen.

I know this not because I have a feeling about it, or because I've had some kind of glimpse into the future.

It's because I'm going to make it happen.

I don't know what's going to happen after this thing happens. I can't predict what people are going to do or make them do what I want them to do. I can only share what I have to say and hope for the best.

I say all I can do is hope for the best because I don't really know what the best would be. And I probably won't know it when it happens either, because I won't have had the other things happen that could have happened, so therefore I won't have anything to compare the thing that does happen against. If that makes sense?

It occurs to me that I don't make sense a lot of the time. Especially not in talking, but sometimes in my writing too. Actually, that only ever happens when I'm trying to skirt around something. If I actually say how I'm feeling in context to what's happening, I can make people understand. But telling involves so much.

But it doesn't matter. I'm in the best position I have been to be able to get this out in the open. Once I put this out there, I'm not going to have any secrets anymore. This is my big secret, the thing that has spawned countless writings. I hope I don't lose my ability to write. That would really suck.

I can't think too hard about what I'm going to do. Because I've thought too long and too hard already. And I think that I've prepared the person who I need to tell this to as well as I can.

I've been trying to figure out how to tell them. What seemed like a good idea last night doesn't anymore. I'm just going to be honest, and open, and probably wing it as it comes. That might not be the best idea, but I can't keep thinking about it. I need to do it. I need to do it. I could keep waiting. But no, I don't want that to be an option anymore.

I don't know what I want. But I know that this needs to be done. Everything that happens afterward will happen, it's unknown to me, and that's one of the things that is now pressing me to do it. I've realized that I really have no idea how it's going to go down.

I was going to say so why not do it. But that is not the question I am asking. There are reasons to not. But there are reasons to as well. And I can't keep listening to the why nots. I have to listen to the why tos.

I'm going to tell him.

~Dale B.