Drained of Emotion

You know what I noticed the other day in class?

I'm so screwed up.

Like, everyone was reading their beautifully written letters to loved ones and getting all emotional and everything and I had the strangest sensation.

I could tell what they were reading was sad.

I felt somewhat emotional.

But no tears came to my eyes.

It was really strange. And then it happened again this weekend. Something that I should have been sad or emotional about happened super abruptly to me, but here my eyes were, again, dry as a bone.

And I was in a position where it looked really bad that I wasn’t upset about it, which was even worse..

I also noticed something. I say I felt somewhat emotional because I recognized that I should be emotional and I normally would have got emotional because I'm an emotion person..but mostly I felt pretty numb.

Which leads me to question if my methods (i.e., not thinking about it and just essentially going numb) of dealing with a certain problem over the summer was the best plan. And if it screwed me up for good.

I was quite concerned about this, and had intended to write earlier about it, which probably would have been a completely un-objective pity party for myself. But then my best friend came up this weekend.

See, my best friend used to go to Kutztown, but decided that since they were cutting her major, she would transfer to West Chester. An hour (at least) away. So I hadn't seen her in three weeks.

So naturally we had a girl's day, and talked about what was going on with us. And I mentioned the numbness, as she had known about this issue I was having and how I dealt with it. And I was surprised and comforted to find out that she had felt the same way at one point.

So maybe I'm not screwed up after all. Except the problem itself seems to have come back, so all that effort to go numb may have been wasted. Ah, well, I know the easy solution, I'm just too much of a coward to take it.

Sigh. Back into the old rut.

~Dale B.